I Can't Remember
by icantevenwow
Summary: Merlin has no memory of anything past the age of 18. He doesn't remember his family, his home, or how he got to be in the city Avalon. He had been doing well, until he had a dream about a blond haired boy. Then the nightmares started.


_It's dark. There is a strange smell coming from my right. Or is it my left? My head is pounding; what is happening? I remember that I hate the darkness; I have to get out. Let me out. My hand is being held down. Why is this happening. I made someone mad. But who; why? Let me out. I'm scared. I see a light. Please help me. I reach out. There is a face. I know that face. Who is that. What do they want. What are they doing. What are they holding. Let me out. I'm scared. Help me. Let me out. I'm scared. Help me. Let me out I'm scared help me let me out I'm scared help me letmeoutI'mscaredhelpmeletmeoutI'mscaredhelpmletmeoutI'mscaredhelpmeletmeoutI'm_

I wake up suddenly, unable to breathe. I can't see. ' _Help me_. _What is happening?'_ A few moments later, my breath comes back, and then my sight. These nightmares have been happening for a few weeks now, ever since _he_ appeared in a dream. I look down and see I am lying on moss. ' _That's why it is so soft.'_ My hands are shaking; when was the last time I ate? When was the last time I _drank_? I stand up, packing up whatever small belongings I have into my mother's old bag, and begin looking for food and drink. The forest I am in is plentiful in berries and nuts, which I put in my bag to eat after I get a drink. I finally hear a trickle of water and make my way towards it. It is just a small creek; maybe an inch deep. ' _An inch is better than nothing.'_ I use my hands to scoop up water into my mouth: spilling most of it but just scooping more. I then take the water bottle I have and fill it up with the water for later.

When that is finished, I begin to eat the food I found. After I feel a little better, I decide to walk around the forest a bit more. I gather more nuts and berries, and found some fruit trees from which I collected two apples and a pear. These were delicacies for me, so I slowly ate them to savor the tastes.

As I continue walking, I hear the noises of a city up ahead. I look down and brush my clothes off, as if it would make a difference. As I get closer to what I assume is the edge of the forest, I see a large clearing with a small pond inside of it. And then I see the group of people in the clearing. I hide behind a tree, knowing that I look like I was run over by a truck...twice. If they see me they may run screaming or even worse: try to help me. While it would be nice to have my cuts cleaned and bandaged, be able to take a very long shower (or better yet bath), or have my clothes replaced from these things you would find at a thrift store, I am used to this way of living. I do not like to rely on other people, or be indebted to them. Ever since my friend wasn't able to pay off his debt, I knew I would never have someone do anything for me. I would work on myself, by myself.

Looking back at the clearing, the group seems to be smaller than I first thought, about six of them. They are young like me, probably in their early twenties. They are all just laughing and throwing sticks they found at each other. I try to look at all of them, however one keeps drawing my eye. I only see the back of him, but his golden hair is bright in the sun. When he finally turns around, I gasped softly, not believing it. But those bright blue eyes and crooked smile remind me of him. The boy I saw in my dream. The one that was killed.

I close my eyes and sit down. This is something that only happens in stories or movies. I put my head in my hands and try to think it through. ' _How could this happen? I must have seen him somewhere before. In the city while I was passing by and he caught my eye. Yes, that must be it. How else could I have dreamt of him?'_ I stay like that, thinking through everything, when a voice jolts me out of it.

"Are you ok?"  
I look up and see one of the boys in front of me, looking at me with concern. He was one of the shorter ones, with medium length brown hair.

"Hey, can you understand me? Is everything alright?"  
I jump as he speaks again, staring into his concern-filled brown eyes.

I don't say anything, I don't move at all, paralyzed from being noticed. He reaches out to me and pauses when I flinch, a reflex from a past I don't remember.

"What's going on Gwaine?" one of the boys from the group yells out. He was the tallest there and had a more timid tone.

"I found someone. I think he's hurt," the man whose name is Gwaine replies, and they all quickly come over.

I shrink away more, feeling more and more claustrophobic and scared. One with very short black hair tells me that they won't hurt me, but I only hear it with the corner of my mind. The blond haired boy is staring at me and I can't look away. Faintly I hear someone ask me something about my name and what I am doing, however my breath can't seem to come fast enough for me to answer. I hear a shout and they back away, but it was too late and I pass out.

I wake up in a cold sweat, having had another nightmare. I'm extremely disoriented, not knowing anything. When I try to get up, hands push back on me to make me lie back down. I struggle at first, remembering the restraints in the nightmare and what happened to me, but slowly was able to recover my breathing and focus. The boy with the long brown hair and another one with red hair are holding me down, looking worried. I'm in a large bed colored with red and gold. I blink a few times and relax, to which they respond by slowly letting go of me. I sit up at a slower pace than usual, shrinking into myself as much as I could. All six of them are in there, all watching me intently. I catch the eyes of the blond, and for a second it was like there was nothing else except for us.

I hear mumbling and break the eye contact, looking for the source of the noise. It is coming from the long haired one, Gwaine I think. I focus on him and realize he is asking my name.

"...Merlin…" I mumble, unsure if they heard me.

"Merlin, was it?" I nod.

"I'm Gwaine. It's nice to meet you." This is a strange conversation. Avoiding the elephant in the room. Might as well ask how the weather is. I just stare at him, confused and scared.

"Sorry about all of this," the one with black hair says, "we thought you needed some help. This must be fairly scary for you. If there is anything you need, please tell us." I nod in response.

"Oh, my name is Elyan by the way. This is Percival," he pointed to the tall one, "Leon," the red-haired one, "and Arthur." When he says the final name, I feel a spark. I remember that name. Arthur. Arthur.

"Arthur Pendragon"

They all looked at me in surprise, except Arthur seems to understand just a bit more. I didn't realize I said it out loud, nonetheless loud enough for them all to hear.

"You know Arthur?" I'm confused. I nod, then shake my head, not understanding what was going on. I start to feel nervous, with so many people standing around me. Suddenly, Arthur walks over from where he was sitting across the room. He looks at me for a second, then begins to speak.

"I have a change of clothes you can use. I will grab them when you're ready. I also had a maid be prepared to help bandage all of your cuts and such. There is also a shower through that door that you may use to clean yourself. Are you hungry or thirsty?"

I process everything before nodding slowly, not having eaten much for a long time. He nods and then leaves the room, presumably to get the food and drink.

As soon as he leaves, the room seems to become less stressed without me even knowing it was so anyway. Gwaine then helps me to the bathroom, puts the clothes Arthur offered in there with me, and then leaves me alone. I wait until I hear them all leave the bedroom and start the shower.


End file.
